5 Reasons I Don’t Want to Hear About Your Cloth Diapers

When you bring not one but two children into the world, being environmentally conscious is a mindset you’d like to honor. But let’s be real. who has time to save the world one diaper at a time? I was surprised when the boys were born and people asked if we would consider cloth diapering. Of course, I responded, “yes,” but never had the intention of giving it a go. Fast forward a year into twin boys and not one time have I said to myself, “let’s make these diaper changes way more inconvenient and switch to cloth.”

God’s honest truth my wife and I try our best to be environmentally conscious (ok...we just recycle). But cloth diapering is just something we wouldn’t do.

 

Here are 5 reasons why I don’t want to hear about your cloth diapers.

1. Poop

Let’s just say POOP x 2. I don’t even know what you cloth diaperers (CDs) are doing with all the poop. There’s so much poop. If I wrote a book on being a twin dad I think it would be called, “There’s So Much Poop.” (That's my idea, don't steal it!) Where do you put it? How do you get it off the diaper? Do you have a poop scraper? And when do you wash them, and how often? Do you feel guilty about all that extra laundry you’re doing? So many questions. Don't bother answering...because if you keep reading, you'll see...I don't care.

2. Pee

My boys pee a ton. It’s like someone won the Super Bowl in their diaper and they splashed the coach with a Gatorade bath. But it’s pee not Gatorade. And they fill it up man.

3. Netflix

Netflix hasn’t made a documentary about it to sway my thinking. I usually don’t think about changing my life or habits until I watch a good documentary on Netflix. I’m seriously about to give up wheat and meat because of two documentaries I recently watched. When Netflix does an insightful documentary on cloth diapers, maybe i'll consider them.

4. Internet Research

If we made the switch, I'd have to devote a lot of extra time to scraping, rinsing, sterilizing, washing, drying, and folding my new cloth diapers. When am I supposed to find the time to surf the internet to determine whether my wife and I are vaccinating our twins? Speaking of the internet, I googled cloth diapers and one million hits came up with the results I HATE CLOTH DIAPERS. So I’m not alone on this people.

5. What is this, “Little House on the Prairie”?

Am I supposed to churn my own butter too? Or should I take the horse and buggy into town and pick it up at the General Store?  I'm picking up a box of Pampers when I'm there. 

I get it. I really do.

You are dying to change my mind. You’re outraged at my satire. You hate the cavalier way I go about tossing out disposables diapers.

But let’s think about this. We go thru about 8-10 diapers a day. (Four of them are usually bombs!). I’ve read online that it takes up to 500 years for diapers to decompose.

500 years?

So, let me hit you with this. You don’t think in the next 500 years we’ll figure out how to speed this up? I mean we are on our way to Mars in a few years. We already have cars that drive themselves. We live on GPS technology. I mean look how far technology has come in the past 500 years. Think of everything invented from years 1500-2000. That’s a lot of stuff. I 'm positive we’ll get this diaper problem figured out.

 

Or maybe we’ll ship our diapers to Mars.

Brett James
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Brett James

Brett James is a newly retired Air Force Master Sergeant and more importantly a father to a set of twin boys Mason and Cannon. He's a stay at home dad who also performs stand up comedy across the country. He calls Orlando, Florida home.
Brett James
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Latest posts by Brett James (see all)

Brett James

Brett James is a newly retired Air Force Master Sergeant and more importantly a father to a set of twin boys Mason and Cannon. He's a stay at home dad who also performs stand up comedy across the country. He calls Orlando, Florida home.

One thought on “5 Reasons I Don’t Want to Hear About Your Cloth Diapers

  • July 26, 2017 at 6:45 pm
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    Lol…nice!!

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